"sometimes i wish i could be an orchestra. so i could play this song any song i want & just play it for myself. & play it for everyone and any song they would like so people would be happy
sorry...that was a thought vomit haha"

-I

his voice was lost but he wanted to scream. his entire body shook but he couldnt move. he tried to keep crawling but it was hopeless.he held his ears as the screams became louder. He closed his eyes & saw visions of an old man with crystal blue eyes. he opens them and sees darkness. He went frantic tryign to find soemthing to hold onto. but soon he gave in and became limp holding his breath under this thick mess until his chest became fire and his head became a throbbing spiral.
He screamed for Her. He Screamed For God.
and he inhaled.




i wrote this in a story hah. It sounded poetic didnt want to loose it. Its not often that i write something that makes decent sense hah.

i wanted to thank somebody.
thank them for being a good person.
I told them im glad because there arent many people like that in this world anymore.

and he siad to me
nah, there are, you just have to find them

and all i could do was smile and say
damn kid
you made me cry.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day...."

i found this on somebody's writings.
I feel i have found it before, like it had been with me.

its a good way to describe this tension in me; being as words arent my friend, or just a close enemy that in someway is trying to push me into bettering myself.

i miss the hands that felt my forehead when i was sick & spoke reassuringly in my confusion.
Now those hands are in fists & a mouth that only spits out rage all over my face.

i never really understood what a mother was & i dont think i ever will. I often search for a person to fillthis space, but they keep me grounded when i want to fly.

i need to be free

i want to breathe underwater, so i could stay there and not have to decipher the emotions on peoples faces beingas they will be distorted & the softhum i willhear, surrounded by a clean feeling that lingers & makes me feel alive and intact with myself.

i am feeling hopeless.

Winter is setting in...the cold air, the bits of ice and snow, which once so white & pure are being mixed with dirt. It reminds me to much of what happened last year.
I just got home from school. I Had to walk home, i missed my bus. My fingers are numb & my nose is pink. I kept stepping on the frozen leaves all over the sidewalk. Though i looked like a child, i was thinking very deeply...thinking about everything.
I tend to do that when im by myself & it is quite. I thought of something bad...i dont recall exactically what it was i looked into the sky thinking of god & an airplane flew over my head....i tried to think nothing of it.
when i got home, i put all my things upstairs next to my bed & tried to curl up to sleep, but my dog barking woke me up. I walked downstairs & grabbed my old coat out of the closet & brought my dog outside.
I put my cold hands in my pocket & i felt the card i got from the funeral last year.
3 times in one day i was reminded.




thoughts at the moment:
i gotta finish cleaning the kitchen.
i miss my sister.
i wanna bake somehting.

remember for next week:
monday- remember all my godamn homework
tuesday- chorus rehersal.
wednesday- bloodtests, come home early to go to the hospital.
thursday- chorus rehersal
friday-My sister comes home <3
saturday-sleep.
sunday-to forget to breathe.
monday-next week.